GETTING OVER IT
Recovering from the Loss of a Pet
By Stacy E. Smith

Whether you lose your pet in an unexpected way, such as a Hurricane called Katrina, a Midwestern tornado or the more traditional way, losing a pet is difficult. Recently we had to make the decision to put one or our cats to sleep. Zoe was 16 years old and had a really good life. I’d had her since she was eight weeks old and spoiled her rotten. She was allowed both inside and outside at her whim and had access to any lap, sofa, chair or bed at any time of the day or night. Unfortunately it was her time to go and reluctantly we let her. There were tears and wavering and more tears, but ultimately the thing had to be done. It has been about three months as I write this, but even now as I conjure the words for this article the lump in my throat and the tears return to me blurring the computer screen and causing me to pray that the telephone next to me remains silent as I am unsure of my speaking voice.

Some of you may be thinking that my feelings seem normal. After all, it’s only been a few months. Still others are thinking that I’m completely out of control and need to get a grip; get over it. After all, it’s been a few months.

What does “getting over it” mean exactly? It sounds like “forget about it,” doesn’t it? What it really means, I think, is to recover from it – from the grief. Getting over it or recovering from grief doesn’t mean forgetting about your much loved pet. The loss of any close friend can be devastating, and pets can be among our dearest companions. A pet so often provides unconditional love, emotional security and loyalty. In my case, Zoe represented my entire adult life since graduating from college. She was not only my pet, but my companion through cross country moves, roommates, relationships, jobs and my own marriage. There is no doubt that the death of a pet can bring up a lot of “stuff.”

For most of us, our pets are part of our every day routine. Whether it is just a matter of a walking and feeding “routine” requiring us to head directly home after work or even at lunchtime or regular play dates or trips to the off leash park. These routine activities with an animal companion often provide structure, fun, relaxation and social contact in our daily lives. The death of a pet can mean the loss of an entire lifestyle as well as a devoted companion. For someone that is left with no pets at home the absence may leave the person with a severe feeling of emptiness. On top of that, the lack of understanding and support from people around us can make this period even more difficult. It can take a while to get used to your life without your pet, just as it took some time to get used to having it to begin with.

Depending on the nature of the relationship with the pet you’ve lost and the coping skills you have personally developed, the time it takes to feel better after losing a pet can vary widely. Professionals often suggest that if after one year you feel no different from your worst emotional pain right after the loss of your pet then you’re a good candidate for individual counseling. You may even want to consider seeking medical help if a few days after your loss you still feel so depressed or sad that you cannot handle even the basic tasks of your life. If you ever feel so hopeless as not to want to continue living without your pet, tell your doctor about those feelings immediately!

Handling the Loss of a Pet

Be prepared. In some instances the death of a pet can be anticipated; the animal may be old or suffering from an extended illness. Other times pet owners will be faced with a sudden loss, the result of an accident or short-term illness. Things that will need to be considered with a gravely ill or seriously injured animal include the pet’s quality of life, emotional and financial cost, and when, or if, euthanasia should be considered. Although it may not subdue the intense grief attached, it is best to have contemplated these difficult matters in advance. If nothing else it may lessen the stress involved.

Accept and express your feelings. It is important to understand that grief is a personal experience and there are no right or wrong ways to express it. The most important part of recovering is to acknowledge what you are feeling and somehow get it out. Some people find it helpful to write thoughts in a journal, with others talking with family and friends is helpful, although you may become frustrated if those you choose to confide in don’t understand your feelings. Sometimes a good long cry can be the most help.

Perform rituals. Many people find comfort in rituals, like paying their final respects with a service or setting up a small memorial with photos and objects that had significance in their pet’s life, such as a cage or special accessory. It is important to set aside time to think about the good times, and remember to pay extra attention to surviving pets. They may need consolation during this difficult period too.

Seek support. You may be admonished by well-meaning friends: “He was only a snake." Others may encourage you to “get another one,” as if your longtime companion could easily be replaced. This can make expression of your pain even harder. It is important to realize that you are not alone. Speaking with a counselor, joining a support group or participating in an Internet chat room can act as a wonderful resource for consolation and affirmation. Feeling connected to other people or animals makes it easier to cope. The more emotionally isolated you are, the harder it can be to heal.

Pet loss support groups are available throughout the country. If you have specific questions about euthanasia or you would like more information about pet loss support groups, Paw Prints “Stuff to Do & Places to Go” section has some listed as well as some individual advertisers that specialize in this type of counseling. You may also contact your veterinarian or check your local telephone directory or pet store.

Deciding that you want to feel better is healthy. Some people think that feeling better will take them further away from the relationship they had with their pet. What might be helpful in cases like this is to understand that recovery from grief doesn’t mean forgetting.

The Stages of Grief

Recognizing the stages of grief provide landmarks for you on the way to feeling better, and help you recognize that your feelings are normal. Some people prefer using the term "task" rather than "stage" to avoid giving the impression that grief is something marked by well-defined milestones. No matter what word you choose, the one suffering the loss should not feel that he or she must follow some pre-set list, each lasting a determined period of time. Remember that the grieving process for each individual is as unique as each lost relationship. There is no set pattern or time period for recovery, but there are some general patterns.

Denial. Most people will experience a period of denial, refusing to believe the pet is dying or has died. Denial usually is strongest when there is little time for preparing, such as with an accident or short-term illness.

Bargaining. For pets facing imminent death, many people will try to make a deal with God, themselves, or even the pet, in a desperate attempt to deter fate.

Anger. In frustration, anger may be directed at anyone involved with the pet, including friends, family, veterinarians, and even the pet owner himself. Blame directed at oneself often can lead to guilt.

Guilt. Guilt is probably the most common emotion resulting from the death of a pet. As the pet’s primary caretaker, all decisions regarding care are the pet owner’s responsibility. When a pet dies, the owner often feels guilty about actions taken or not taken - even about things that happened before the pet became ill. The most attentive caretaker may feel he or she should have somehow done more. It is important to try not to second-guess the decisions you made, and to remember that you tried to act in your pet’s best interest.

Depression. Depression can indicate the start of acceptance. It is normal to withdraw and contemplate the meaning of the relationship in solitude. Deep and lasting despondency, however, requires professional help.

Acceptance. Now is the time to remember the good times. The daily reminders become a little less painful. You find you can start to think about the future.

Considering Another Pet

A new pet is just that - a new pet. He or she can never replace the pet you lost. If you decide to get another pet, you will be entering into an entirely new and different relationship. Be sure that you are psychologically, physically and financially ready and willing to commit the time and energy needed to care for a new animal companion, without resentment or unrealistic expectations. Don’t guilt yourself into saying you’ll never get another pet. If you love pets and are a good pet owner, you are doing your deceased pet a disservice by not offering your home to another. Consider that you are, in fact, honoring your pet’s memory by giving a good home to another animal.

Pertinent Reading

A Final Act of Caring, Mary and Herbert Montgomery, Montgomery Press, Minnesota 1993.

Coping with Sorrow on the Loss of Your Pet, Moira Anderson, Peregrine Press, Colorado 1991. Chapter 5: “The Final Decision."

When Your Pet Dies: How to Cope with Your Feelings, Jamie Quackenbush, Simon & Schuster, New York 1985, Chapter 3: “Your Reactions to Choosing Euthanasia.”

Pet Loss: A Thoughtful Guide for Adults & Children, Herbert Neiburg and Arlene Fischer, Harper & Row, New York 1982.